Are they living rent-free in your head? It’s not love, It’s Limerence
We’ve all been there at one point, where we just can’t stop thinking about that one person. We become obsessed with thoughts of them and get lost in daydreaming fantasies. Pop culture, movies, and music make us believe that this is love and that not being able to stop thinking about someone means they’re thinking about you too, and that there’s some kind of cosmic connection between the two of you.
The hopeless romantic in you might believe that perhaps it’s a sign from the universe and that they are "the one." But what if it’s none of the above, and what you’re feeling right now is actually a psychological condition called limerence? A psychological coping mechanism that often arises in people with unresolved emotional wounds.
The term limerence was coined in 1979 by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in her book Love and Limerence. In a nutshell, limerence is an involuntary obsession with another person that is different from love or lust because it thrives on the uncertainty of whether the desired person, also known as the "limerent object" desires you back. The person experiencing limerence is fixated on the desire to be desired rather than actually putting in the time and effort to truly get to know their desired person. Childhood emotional neglect or abandonment can set the stage for limerence in adulthood.
This obsession can become unhealthy because it prevents the person suffering from limerence from developing real, loving relationships that are mutual and reciprocated.
What is Limerence and Who is More Prone To It
Although limerence is not currently classified as a psychological disorder, it’s far more prevalent in society than we think. Understanding limerence as an attachment dysregulation is key to overcoming the mental agony that comes with it.
The physical signs of limerence manifest as anxiety or mania, which can include an elevated heart rate, insomnia or difficulty falling asleep, restlessness, loss of appetite, and an inability to perform daily activities or focus on the present moment.
Limerence is more likely to affect those with pre-existing conditions like anxiety, depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), loneliness, and those with childhood trauma such as unmet emotional needs or neglect.
One’s attachment style also plays a large role in this scenario. Those with insecure attachment styles, such as avoidant attachment, anxious attachment, and fearful-avoidant are more likely to get drawn into limerence, as it feeds into their need for emotional intimacy without having to actually put in the work or feel the pressure to achieve it in real life.
In rare cases, one can even feel a high from daydreaming fantasies because of the surge of dopamine released when engaging in this behavior.
Difference Between Limerence and Healthy Love
Truth is, in today’s world with dating apps and social media, it’s incredibly difficult to get a clear picture of what healthy love looks like. And truth be told, there is no blueprint for what a “healthy” relationship looks like, it’s a very individual experience, built by each person’s or couple’s personal preferences. However, there are certain criteria we can use to help us get there.
For one, the main difference between limerence and a real love connection is the emotional stability felt. A limerent connection does not feel a sense of stability in the relationship, whereas real love allows both parties to feel emotionally stable. Limerence thrives on the emotional rollercoaster of the relationship existing one day and disappearing the next, whereas healthy love doesn’t allow for that toxicity, instead it’s assuring and grounded.
Limerence usually loses interest in the limerent object once a certain threshold has passed, which could be the passage of time, the discovery of a new limerent object, or even when the original limerent object reciprocates love. Healthy love, on the other hand, is built over real time and effort put in by both sides to ground the relationship in real-life experiences such as dates, phone calls, and other forms of open and present communication.
Understanding these fundamental differences between limerence and love will give you the basic understanding to evaluate your feelings for the other person and give you an opportunity to rectify your behavior, especially if real, healthy love is what you’re looking for.
How To Recover From Limerence
With any kind of addiction or obsessive behavior, the way to heal it is by starving the source. In the case of limerence, the best starting point is to starve the connection or sources of dopamine you might get from daydreaming about the connection. This could look like limiting direct contact with the limerent object in real life or on social media. On social media, this could mean not engaging with their posts, not viewing their stories, and in some cases, not allowing them to view yours.
Although this might sound harsh, remember that limerent behavior is obsessive, addiction-filled behavior and so the recovery will be just as hard. This might also feel harsh if the limerent object is a close friend or a co-worker, but understanding that it’s okay to draw boundaries and distance yourself from them, at least temporarily to preserve your mental wellness is completely acceptable.
Once you’ve starved the source, it’s time to fill that space by focusing on yourself. Replacing the time spent daydreaming with real-life hobbies and activities is a great source of distraction until they naturally become part of your daily routine. Salsa classes, daily walks at a park, or building a new dream career, the options are endless. The key is to tune into what feels the most right to your inner being.
As you begin to build your dream life, a great way to spend your time is by sharing it with people. Spending time in real life with friends, family, and even your new community that you’ve built in the process of creating your dream life is a beautiful place to be. It might even be a great time to dip your feet into spending time with romantic partners where there is real reciprocity in the connection.
Conclusion
If you struggle with limerence, where you always feel like you’re getting lost in the fantasy of a person or a potential romantic love interest, it can get exhausting. But know that you’re not alone. What you’re feeling isn’t a one-off disorder, and it’s completely possible to overcome. Getting to the root cause of why you’re feeling this way is the first step in overcoming limerence. Secondly, because limerence is such a mind-focused addiction, grounding yourself in healthy activities and hobbies is a great way to give your mind a break. Realizing that limerence can actually be a self-sabotaging act toward finding real romance will free you from the mental trap — and remove them from living in your mind rent-free.
References:
1. Psychology Today. (n.d.). Limerence. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/limerence
2. Zencare. (2024, November). Limerence or Love? How to Know the Difference. Zencare. https://blog.zencare.co/limerence-or-love-how-to-know-the-difference/
Disclaimer: The author is not a licensed professional in this field. This blog provides general information and personal insights, but it is not a substitute for professional advice. Please consult with a qualified expert for personalized guidance.
